DOTA2 Users Create Map Editor within Map Editor

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA— Fans of the popular online video game "DOTA2" have managed to use the new, extremely powerful map editing software that Valve has shipped in a recent update in order to create a new, even more extremely powerful map editing software. The workshop tools but also the workshop tools within the workshop tools have both been hailed as a huge success by the community.

"When we first got our hands on the new workshop tools for DOTA2 we quickly realized that Valve had exceeded our expectations", one DOTA2 modifications hobbyist stated, "but we hadn't anticipated just how advanced these tools were". The new workshop tools, created entirely within the original workshop tools released by Valve, are now being used by users to create custom maps, a copy of League of Legends, a version of DOTA2 with nearly full parity, Half Life 3, Source 3 and a cure for ebola.

Users tinkering with the new workshop tools within the new workshop tools have stated that depending on the functionality of the new workshop tools they may be able to create another, all new set of workshop tools using the workshop tools built out of the original workshop tools. "We need to go deeper", one user said, emphasizing the fact that the new tools could also be used by NASA to guide missiles into space.

"We're pleased but also somewhat alarmed at how fast users are creating content", Eric Johnson said in an interview, stating that Valve may have overstepped ethical boundaries by accidentally creating the tools needed to create artificial intelligence. "I was actually just messing around with some lua scripts", one user commented, "when I think I accidentally created the singularity". While many users around the world celebrated the birth of computer based sentience, other users complained that Techies still isn't out yet.

Valve to Re-Release Storm Spirit as the First "Fully Gay" DOTA2 Hero

BELLEVUE, WA— Valve have officially announced plans to remove and then immediately re-release the Radiant hero Storm Spirit as part of an upcoming promotional event. The hero, which happens to be gay and has existed in the game for a long time, has according to Valve, "not received enough publicity" by third party gaming websites and journalists.

Meet Valve's first "fully gay" male Hero in DOTA2

"When we originally thought of Raijin Thunderkeg's personality and backstory, it never occurred to us that we could announce that he's gay and receive a lot of free attention for our game", Robin Walker said in an interview. "Although everyone who plays DOTA2 knows that the hero happens to be gay and doesn't have a problem with that, we now regret not announcing it publicly to better our corporate image".

The re-release of Storm Spirit is set to happen in the early stages of September this year, and is expected to create a large response on journalist sites such as Polygon, Kotaku, Gamespot and IGN. "No changes will be made to Storm Spirit as a hero- his model, voice lines, and everything else will stay the same", a spokesperson stated. Skeptical fans have already questioned whether or not the re-release was even necessary, however third party journalist websites such as Polygon have already hailed the announcement as "a huge step forward".

"It's important that players are immediately confronted with the sexuality of each hero directly as the game starts", a Valve writer said in an interview. "This is why from now on, the sexuality of all heroes will be a fourth attribute alongside Strength, Agility and Intelligence. Storm Spirit will be a fully gay hero, but we suspect that we may add some one fourth gay or even one eighth gay heroes somewhere down the line".

Study Finds 95% of Mid Players Win their Lane

BERLIN— A recent study performed by Hurmboldt University has found that over 95% of all DOTA2 players who venture into middle lane win their lane. This theory, which has now been confirmed by scientists, contradicts the conventional knowledge which states that every lane must have a winner and a loser.

"Although we found it difficult to believe at first", a researcher at Hurmboldt said, "it turns out that even if your hero dies multiple times in the middle lane, you may have still been winning mid before or even after that point". The study, which sampled replays from around the world, found a surprisingly high amount of consistency among players.

The definition of 'winning mid' is a hot topic for everyone except mid players, who always win their lane.

"I didn't lose mid", a frustrated 0-11-2 Shadow Fiend said in an interview after feeding the enemy tinker for the ninth time, "I was doing fine until they ganked me. I won mid". While around 30% of players concede that they were only winning mid up until a certain point, a whopping 67% maintain that even though it's 30 minutes into the game and they still haven't done anything but feed, that they definitely still won the lane.

"I was winning so hard, he couldn't do anything", said Peter, a Lion player who randomed his hero and went mid despite his team having no lane support, "but then he got one bullshit hook off on me and from that point I couldn't do shit; but I still won the lane". Peter went on to go 3-13-2 while the enemy Pudge player went beyond godlike. His teammates, who were annihilated by the roaming Pudge for the rest of the game, found comfort in the fact that although they had lost horribly, their mid had definitely won his lane.

Valve Corporation Goes Bankrupt

BELLEVUE, WA— Seattle based video game company 'Valve' has been forced to file for bankruptcy following their 6th consecutive quarter without any profit. The lack of profit has been heavily attributed by many to their flagship game, DOTA2, which earns no revenue whatsoever.

"DOTA2 uses the free-to-play model", Eric Johnson, now homeless, said in an interview. "This means that while operating costs go into managing the game, we don't actually make any revenue let alone profit from the game's success". The news came to a surprise to many gamers who had just finished watching Valve's 4th annual "The International" competition, which was hailed as a success. Still, other gamers, particularly those on Reddit, said they saw it coming. "Valve let all of us play their game DOTA2 for free, we should thank them for their longstanding charity", one user wrote.

Former Valve CEO and internet playboy Gabe Newell showed deep regret for not selling DOTA2 in stores.

Gabe Newell, former CEO of Valve and now part-time mall Santa stated in an interview that, "we all knew that this day was coming eventually, we just hoped it wouldn't have come so soon". Unlike other games which are sold in stores for money, DOTA2 can be downloaded online for free, eliminating any means for the Seattle based company to earn any revenue whatsoever. 

Although the company had recently hosted a tournament with a prize pool grossing over 10 million US dollars, none of the money raised by the fans ever reached Valve themselves, putting a further strain on the company's funds. Valve is not the only company affected, however, as other, equally unsuccessful games such as League of Legends have also reported massive losses in the past years due to their charity-style business model and are expected to go bankrupt by the end of the year.

Local Man Escapes all Responsibility by Randoming

SUNNYVALE, CA— A man playing the online video game 'DOTA2' manages to die a total of 23 times without having to take any responsibility for his actions. The player, who had only secured 2 kills and 5 assists during the 62 minute ordeal, made it clear that the outcome of the match could not have anything to do with his hero choice.

"I've never played Meepo before, and I had no idea how to play him, that's true", the man said in an interview, "but I randomed him, what was I supposed to do, repick?". Replay analysis of the match concludes that other players on the same team made comments pleading with the man to repick into a different hero. Although all other 9 players at first unanimously agreed that his choice of hero was the cause of the game's outcome, the man was acquitted of all charges when it was clear he had randomed the hero.

"It's not my fault, I randomed. You can't hate me because I randomed", the man commented. Controversy surrounding the match eventually reached Seattle based Valve Corporation, who, when pressed for a comment, simply stated that, "although in most situations where a player single-handedly feeds for over 60 minutes, the blame would be on them, the fact of the matter is that the player in question randomed his hero, which makes him exempt him from any form of responsibility towards his team or the game's outcome".

Although further analysis showed a seething hatred towards the Meepo player by his teammates, he later assured everyone that the 200 extra gold he received at the beginning of the match was worth the outcome.

Valve Employees Begin Long Pilgrimage Back to Corporate Headquarters

BELLEVUE, WA— Following the conclusion of their fourth annual "International" competition in Seattle, Washington, Valve employees have begun their yearly pilgrimage back to their headquarters in Seattle, Washington. The journey, which typically takes the employees about 2-3 weeks, is expected to be longer this year due to the change of venue.

"Last year it took us a little over 2 weeks to get back to the office and get back to work", Eric Johnson noted, stating however that, "due to the change in venue it may take us around 4 weeks to get back to work this time around". Located a little over 12 miles away from Valve's headquarters on Northeast 4th Street, Key Arena is approximately a 26 minute drive away, trumping last year's choice of venue by a little over 1 mile. The arduous journey has caused Valve problems in the past, causing fans to become impatient regarding new content in their flagship game, DOTA2.

'The International' attracts gamers from around the world, none of which take longer than 3 days to get back home.

"People need to understand that after such a big event, we will need time to get back and situate ourselves back at our headquarters", a developer stated. "The venue is extremely far away from us, and it only gets further every year". A corporate spokesperson noted that the company is considering reserving a private jet for 2015, which is expected to reduce the time it takes to travel 12 miles by at least 1 week.

"To tell the truth, some developers get lost on the way back, and some never actually come back", Eric Johnson admitted. "The developer responsible for bots is actually still missing from last year".