Valve Announces Sourcecraft III Engine

BELLEVUE, WA— Following numerous delays in the planned release of the Source 2 engine, Valve have now announced plans to make the move directly to a brand new, never before seen upgraded engine code-named "Sourcecraft III". Valve have announced that the new engine will come bundled with a brand new Source III World Editor which will be easy to use and for the first time ever allow players without a PHD in computer science to create whatever game modes they want.

A screenshot of Valve's new powerful map editor (using beta textures)

Along with the new map editor, DOTA2 and its interface will be completely revamped to allow players to browse and join lobbies of other game modes without having to painstakingly first create a website like d2modd.in in their free time with no support from Valve. Instead of downloading the new maps through the Steam workshop or third party sites, players can simply join the lobby of any game and the file will automatically be downloaded to their computer using state of the art, never before seen technology previously thought impossible to implement. 

But Valve's innovation hasn't stopped there: using technology that previously only NASA used to shoot rockets into space, Valve plans to implement a new feature which allows players to play DOTA2 without even being connected to the internet. This new "local area network" (placeholder name) technology will allow players to create smaller internets between two or more computers. Users can also look forward to the following new features: Higher FPS on older machines, full mechanical parity for the first time, a new hero named Arc Warden (Pitlord scheduled for 2016) and a new superior netcode. 

Valve Swap Radiant and Dire Positions after Convincing Reddit post

BELLEVUE, WA— Following an extremely popular post on the popular online website "Reddit /r/DOTA2", Valve have decided to flip the positions of the Dire and Radiant teams in their video game DOTA2. The Radiant, which previously occupied the bottom left portion of the game's map, is now in the top right corner after Valve recognized that the previous positioning just didn't "feel right". Talks have now begun to flip the map vertically as well, as this would make the game more visually appealing to the Reddit audience.

The new minimap as seen in-game. Valve have stated that the courier icon will be flipped right-side up following Source 2's release.

Unofficial Valve spokesperson and avid karma whore Wykrhm has since announced plans to integrate the official DOTA2 dev forums with Reddit, effectively fusing both into a karma based suggestion system where only useless OCD fueled suggestions will ever make the cut. This includes a new system where players can alt-click foreign languages to automatically translate Russian insults into English using Bing™ translate, a new and improved shopkeeper's quiz playable only in the fountain, a live in-game twitter feed of your favorite esports celebrities and a Paypal donation button which can be used to purchase more ValveBux™, a new form of digital currency which let you buy powerups for your creeps. 

Man always Focused in Teamfights Analyzed by Doctors

BERKELEY, CA— Medical doctors have begun an examination of a man who claims to always be focused in teamfights. The analysis, experts say, was started after the man wouldn't shut up about being focused in an online video game for several minutes.

"Every teamfight they just focus me down dude", the man said in an interview, "they fucking focused me, I couldn't do anything". The man, who was incapable of being shut up, demanded his team acknowledge just how bad he had been focused down in every teamfight. Despite statisticians' best efforts to prove to the man that he was, on average, the fourth player on his team to die in every large exchange, the man remained unconvinced.

"Why didn't you guys just kill them while they were focusing me?!"

Following a long and tedious 20 minute teamspeak argument over what constitutes being "focused" after the player died alone in the enemy jungle to two support heroes, the man was eventually persuaded by teammates to seek medical help, which he did. "While we couldn't find any evidence of the man being focused in teamfights", doctors said, "we did find that the man was incapable of shutting the fuck up". The man has since been released from hospital care after claims that doctors were focusing too much on him during examinations.

Valve to Create Competitive DOTA2 Team for TI5

BELLEVUE, WA— Video games producer Valve Corporation has officially announced plans to create their own competitive DOTA2 lineup in hopes of winning The International 5, set to begin sometime in the summer of 2015. The team will begin bootcamping versus bots within the next month, and is among one of the first teams to receive an invitation to The International 2015.

"We were very happy with the financial success of The International 2014", Gabe Newell stated between Sand King games, "but one major issue we were still having was that a small percentage of our revenue was being paid out to players". With the new all-star lineup consisting of Gabe Newell (hard carry), Adrian Finol (space creator), Erik Johnson (motivational speaker), Abdul "Icefrog" Ismail (drafter), and Bot Guy (Furion jungle), the team hopes to use their extensive knowledge of the game (and its code) to their advantage. 

Valve assured players their 4 minute victory will at least be more entertaining than TI4's finals

The team has already begun honing their skills by practicing on a yet unreleased version of DOTA2, set to release one day before the event begins. While Icefrog has stated that although several dozen heroes may receive partial or complete remakes, the metagame will "more or less stay the same, probably". While some critics have voiced complaints about possible manipulation of the game, Valve assured players that sv_cheats will be definitely be disabled unless they accidentally forget to turn it off.

Annoying Forum User Complaining about Balance Right All Along

BOULDER, CO— Long time DOTA2 player and even more long time forum shitposter "xXx-|<r1p+|P-xXx", who has for years posted long, incomprehensible rants about balance in DOTA, has officially been recognized as the new balance authority for years to come. The decision was made last Monday when a post about Riki's ult being too strong caught the eye of Icefrog, who, throwing in the towel, immediately realized that he had been wrong about balance all along.

"We must balance change of game to new metagame", Icefrog stated in a chinese weibo post, which was later translated by Bing. The player from Colorado has since been flown out to the Valve headquarters in Seattle, where he has begun work nerfing Bloodseeker, Riki, and several other heroes that have never seen competitive play in their lives. 

The new head of balance plans to use a mix of DOTABUFF and personal vendetta for the balancing process

"Earth Spirit is fucking gay", Kyle, age 14 said in a statement this Thursday after losing a 60 minute game, "make him less fucking gay he's fucking stupid". Valve, who have often claimed that careful, incremental changes are the best means to balance their game, have conceded that Kyle's impulsive and somewhat homophobic approach to balance has won the hearts of the Playdota forum community. The new head of balance has also announced plans to make 'mid only' the standard mode for competitive esports, as well as plans to remove observer wards, sentry wards, and "that stupid faggot item only faggots buy".

DOTA2 Users Create Map Editor within Map Editor

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA— Fans of the popular online video game "DOTA2" have managed to use the new, extremely powerful map editing software that Valve has shipped in a recent update in order to create a new, even more extremely powerful map editing software. The workshop tools but also the workshop tools within the workshop tools have both been hailed as a huge success by the community.

"When we first got our hands on the new workshop tools for DOTA2 we quickly realized that Valve had exceeded our expectations", one DOTA2 modifications hobbyist stated, "but we hadn't anticipated just how advanced these tools were". The new workshop tools, created entirely within the original workshop tools released by Valve, are now being used by users to create custom maps, a copy of League of Legends, a version of DOTA2 with nearly full parity, Half Life 3, Source 3 and a cure for ebola.

Users tinkering with the new workshop tools within the new workshop tools have stated that depending on the functionality of the new workshop tools they may be able to create another, all new set of workshop tools using the workshop tools built out of the original workshop tools. "We need to go deeper", one user said, emphasizing the fact that the new tools could also be used by NASA to guide missiles into space.

"We're pleased but also somewhat alarmed at how fast users are creating content", Eric Johnson said in an interview, stating that Valve may have overstepped ethical boundaries by accidentally creating the tools needed to create artificial intelligence. "I was actually just messing around with some lua scripts", one user commented, "when I think I accidentally created the singularity". While many users around the world celebrated the birth of computer based sentience, other users complained that Techies still isn't out yet.

Valve to Re-Release Storm Spirit as the First "Fully Gay" DOTA2 Hero

BELLEVUE, WA— Valve have officially announced plans to remove and then immediately re-release the Radiant hero Storm Spirit as part of an upcoming promotional event. The hero, which happens to be gay and has existed in the game for a long time, has according to Valve, "not received enough publicity" by third party gaming websites and journalists.

Meet Valve's first "fully gay" male Hero in DOTA2

"When we originally thought of Raijin Thunderkeg's personality and backstory, it never occurred to us that we could announce that he's gay and receive a lot of free attention for our game", Robin Walker said in an interview. "Although everyone who plays DOTA2 knows that the hero happens to be gay and doesn't have a problem with that, we now regret not announcing it publicly to better our corporate image".

The re-release of Storm Spirit is set to happen in the early stages of September this year, and is expected to create a large response on journalist sites such as Polygon, Kotaku, Gamespot and IGN. "No changes will be made to Storm Spirit as a hero- his model, voice lines, and everything else will stay the same", a spokesperson stated. Skeptical fans have already questioned whether or not the re-release was even necessary, however third party journalist websites such as Polygon have already hailed the announcement as "a huge step forward".

"It's important that players are immediately confronted with the sexuality of each hero directly as the game starts", a Valve writer said in an interview. "This is why from now on, the sexuality of all heroes will be a fourth attribute alongside Strength, Agility and Intelligence. Storm Spirit will be a fully gay hero, but we suspect that we may add some one fourth gay or even one eighth gay heroes somewhere down the line".